Overcoming the “Likeability Trap”

“A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.” – Madeleine Albright   

The late Madeleine Albright, the first female U.S. Secretary of State, understood the delicate balancing act women leaders often face, and her quote captures this tension perfectly.    

Women in the workplace are frequently caught in a “likeability trap.” They’re expected to be both competent and likable, a standard that rarely applies equally to their male counterparts. However, behaviors that signal competence can be perceived as aggressive or abrasive when exhibited by a woman. This double standard creates a minefield for women entrepreneurs seeking to be respected and build successful businesses.   

As former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg laments in her bestseller Lean In, “Success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less.”   

Recent social psychology offers women entrepreneurs promising escape routes from this double bind by reframing likeability, expanding behavioral repertoires, and leading with authenticity.   

Understanding the Likeability/Competence Tradeoff   

Firstly, decades of research confirm women experience social and economic penalties for exhibiting traditionally masculine traits like ambition or outspokenness. A seminal study revealed that women who negotiate their salaries are perceived as demanding and less hirable than non-negotiating females or male counterparts. Similarly, confident women are consistently rated as arrogant and unlikeable compared to confident men.   

Women thus receive a clear message: acting “like a boss” carries interpersonal costs. Prominent figures observe this acutely, with former U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright declaring, “It’s not that I’m not a nice person, but being overly nice is not good in foreign policy.” Hillary Clinton remarked during her presidential run, “I had to learn as a young woman to control my emotions... I’ve had to deal with men who sometimes get off track and get distracted by sexism.”   

However, refraining from assertiveness also exacts penalties. Sheryl Sandberg famously critiques women for “leaning back” from opportunities and negotiation out of fear of backlash. A 2011 McKinsey report confirmed women who display stereotypically feminine traits like gentleness are perceived as great team players but weak leaders.   

This bias isn’t confined to top-level leadership positions. A 2022 McKinsey and LeanIn.Org report highlights that women across all levels are more likely to receive critical feedback suggesting they are “bossy,” “too aggressive,” or “intimidating.” What makes this troubling is that those same behaviors are often seen as positive in men.   

This double bind causes women to restrain their voices and contributions, creating invisible barriers to advancement. Psychologist Alice Eagly asserts women “face specific challenges: if they behave in a clearly agentic way, they’ll be criticized for not being communal enough; if they behave in a clearly communal way, they’ll be criticized for not being agentic enough.” Attempting to resolve this quandary by maintaining a perfect balance of warmth and authority often appears disingenuous or inconsistent.   

A Real Likability Worth Striving For   

Thankfully, psychologists increasingly recognize true likeability involves more than placating others. Reframing likeability as the ability to establish “meaningful connections” with diverse audiences, influential psychologist Dr. Jamil Zaki emphasizes authenticity over approval-seeking.   

Rather than code-switching to appease others, Dr. Zaki encourages leading unapologetically as one’s full self while demonstrating sincere care for others’ humanity. Tactics like actively listening to others’ concerns, expressing empathy for mistakes, sharing imperfections and passions, and transparently articulating one’s own motives build rapport more sustainably than surface-level nicety.   

Leadership coach Selena Rezvani agrees defining likability as the “ability to bring your honest, authentic self to interactions” breaks the double bind. Women can earn genuine respect by having the courage not to self-monitor every word or reaction, projecting realness, not flawlessness.   

For example, entrepreneur Kara Goldin recounts showing up at an important meeting visibly pregnant to disclose her company’s acquisition, then candidly admitting her nerves to the all-male buyer team rather than hiding her pregnancy and emotions. Her raw transparency earned “a ton of respect in the industry” and sealed the deal successfully while maintaining her identity.   

Deploying Behavioral Flexibility   

To combine assertiveness and warmth authentically, experts advise entrepreneurs to expand their behavioral toolkits rather than conform to gendered archetypes of authority or passivity.   

For example, researchers recommend women employ a “relational account” combining task-oriented requests with expressions of concern for others, such as advocating to replace outdated software not only to increase team efficiency but also to prevent undue stress on junior employees.   

Prefacing directives with warmth cues like inclusive language, open body postures, and perspective-taking allows women to soften self-advocacy, negotiate firmly, and critique directly while maintaining positive impressions.   

Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck also champions a “growth mindset” for leaders, advocating viewing mistakes as learning opportunities, not threats. Encouraging risk-taking and treating failures with curiosity, not condemnation, combines assertiveness and compassion to create psychologically safe cultures.   

Renowned former CEO Indra Nooyi famously demonstrated behavioral flexibility at PepsiCo. She blended “tough love” by setting high standards and removing underperformers, while expressing caring through handwritten notes to employees’ parents and dressing up as a Bollywood dancer at company celebrations. Her dynamic approach earned her both reverence and affection across stakeholders.   

Leading with Purpose-Driven Authenticity   

Finally, reframing leadership as purpose-driven service rather than wielding dominance over others allows women to lead assertively yet engagingly as their authentic selves.   

Leadership coaching pioneer Dr. Marshall Goldsmith asserts employees and clients respond most positively to leaders embodying a sincere commitment to organizational missions and members’ wellbeing. Projecting stable passion for a venture’s “ why ” tends to excuse occasional brusqueness or mistakes as bumps in service of a worthwhile journey.   

For example, Starbucks CEO Michelle Burns professes, “Put me in a room with employees, and that gives me energy, because I believe so strongly in what we’re doing.” By anchoring her authority in contagious enthusiasm for Starbucks’ purpose, Burns’ assertiveness feels like inspirational fuel, not ego-stroking. Her evident care for uplifting others makes stumbles forgivable.   

Similarly, former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina advises women to ground self-advocacy in deservedness to fulfill their callings, proclaiming, “Define who you are and what you want to accomplish, not just what your current position or title is.” Confidently voicing needs as steppingstones to meaningful leadership goals alleviates fears of seeming demanding.   

Ultimately, authenticity permits women to transcend the false likeability/competence dichotomy by revealing the real, imperfect, multidimensional humans behind intimidating titles. Combining transparency about one’s journey, dynamic behavioral repertoires, and visible conviction in a venture’s purpose enables entrepreneurs to lead boldly yet with relatability.   

By courageously embracing authenticity over others’ approval, women can escape the likeability trap to chart an empowered course true to themselves. When we unapologetically embody our values, deploy diverse influence tools, and orient assertiveness around uplifting missions, we grant others permission to appreciate our realness over rosiness. We need not sacrifice our voices or identities to thrive as entrepreneurs; being works better than seeming . In the words of branding expert Sally Hogshead, “You don’t have to change who you are. You have to become more of who you are.”